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(Wed, 27 May 2009)
Date: Wed, 27 May 2009 23:27
Imagine if self-replicating nanobots got loose, or something -- and everyone's digestive systems were retrofitted to be able to function on a diet of nothing but candy bars.
Imagine if that's all everyone ate, anymore. When you "went out to eat with friends" it was just assumed that you'd have candy bars. If you expressed a wish for anything else, you'd be considered weird, and nobody would want to eat with you.
Imagine if it was that way for you, for years, decades.
You'd probably get unreasonably, screamingly angry at the candy bar industry, and the sheep who eat the stuff. The mere sight of a wrapper might become enough to anger you and make you ashamed for your entire race.
Imagine if, one day, you found someone who likes steak, and corn on the cob, and tuna fish sandwiches piled high with lettuce and onion. And you were *so relieved* to find this person, and you placed all your hopes in them, and you told them all your secrets, and you started to feel better about life now that there was someone who shared your feelings.
Imagine if, after a particularly good meal of curry and rice, your friend pulls out a couple of candy bars and hands you one, for dessert. Because he likes *both* kinds of food. But you've gotten so sensitized over the years that you just can't enjoy it. You eat it, and objectively speaking it's good chocolate, but the experience cheapens the whole evening for you, and you ask your friend, no more chocolate. He's a bit hurt, and explains that he feels closer to people who he can eat chocolate with.
...
I feel like that about a lot of things. Maybe the chocolate is roleplay (as opposed to therianthropy). Maybe the chocolate is sex (as opposed to being gentle and compassionate and accepting). Most recently the chocolate was sex. It's not that I mind sex, but I am FUCKING STARVED FOR CLOSE FRIENDSHIP, and this feeling that you can get anything you want in this world, anything at all, except what you really need, is really painful.
I wish things were less tangled. I wish I knew what to do about it, or saw a way forward.
(Thu, 19 Mar 2009)
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:43
I went out tonight to water, and to cut the dead flowers off the daffodils.
After watering, I went to go get a flashlight so I could see what I was doing with the daffodils, and... there were SNAILS! About a dozen or more of them, each having crawled to the very top of one of the daffodil stalks. They were being very active, turning their heads this way and that.
I was wondering if my watering had given them something to drink. I tried to water the daffodils some more, very gently, not aiming the spray directly at them. I hope I didn't hurt any of the snails. They were beautiful. I'm really glad I saw them when they were being so active. I'm glad they think of my daffodils as a nice place to chill for a while on a spring evening.
Comments: 2 (read) (post)
(Mon, 17 Nov 2008)
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:36
I hope this article makes anyone who might be thinking of applying at (hell, even shopping at) Meijer's think twice. I want to be *working with* my coworkers, not *competing against* them. Ugh.
Comments: 6 (read) (post)
(Wed, 05 Nov 2008)
Date: Wed, 05 Nov 2008 9:48
Eight years ago, I had a measure of faith in my country.
Eight years ago, I wasn't single.
Eight years ago, none of my friends had trouble finding work.
It's been a long eight years.
(Sun, 26 Oct 2008)
Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2008 14:45
It occurred to me that furry is maybe a bit like the flip side of animal rights. If "animals are people too" and deserve some of the rights given to people, then isn't it also true that "people are animals too" and deserve some of the rights given to animals? Like the right to be petted, and scritched, and fed? Like the right to be led on a leash during those times when you need a little extra guidance? Like the right to be given a warm place to sleep at night? Like the right to communicate with body language rather than human language?
We, as a community, give each other these things. We don't expect them to be handed to us from outside; they're things each of us must both give, and receive.
Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2008 0:24
Laurie Anderson told a story about birds, that lived before the world existed, and how they reacted to the first death they'd ever known, and how that was the beginning of "memory". Before then none of the birds had ever needed to remember anything.
She was scathingly witty about so-called "experts" and the "problems" and "solutions" proposed by them. She pulled no punches whatsoever in talking about the "weapons inspections" farce in Iraq. Hard to remember back that far, isn't it? We have always been at war with Eurasia.
Overall in this show she was more direct, and confrontational, than I think I've ever seen her. She also got in a dig at Nixon for eliminating the gold standard.
Myself, I'm tired of all the interactions with people I have, these days, being of the kind where I always have to hold part of me back; where I have to keep myself from being too socially inept, where I have to restrict my water intake in order to be within a standard deviation of the norm as far as frequency of bathroom visits, where I have to apologize for being clingy. I'm a dog, dammit. *Dogs* are clingy sometimes. They wouldn't be dogs if they weren't.
Someone else reminded me that something has been very, very wrong in my head for about five years now. There's a part of me that's been missing; the part of me that used to get up early and watch the sunrise sometimes on weekends, and then really enjoy breakfast and the rest of the day. The part of me that really enjoyed being alive. The part of me that meant I was never truly alone even when I was by myself. I haven't had much success journeying over the past two years, either. I feel isolated from that, too.
I am not powerless. I can express intent. Even if I can't *force* anything to happen, I can hold the intent clear in my mind. My intent is to welcome that part of me back into my life. I think that will be easier in the new house; it's hard to really feel comfortable or let down my guard in my current apartment. I will try to keep that intent clear.
(Mon, 20 Oct 2008)
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:30
I've waited a long time for this -- escrow closed today. I don't feel like talking about it a lot publicly, I just want to post this here as a marker in time; October 20, 2008.
(Sat, 09 Feb 2008)
Date: Sat, 09 Feb 2008 1:30
Please go and read this post by Kyra Vixen. It's... both beautiful, and deeply true, in a way that I sorely miss in my day to day life.
I do try to live by what I believe in. But somehow, it still feels like it was easier to live that way twelve years ago, or even nine years ago. It seems like back then there were people living like that all over, and we all helped buoy each other and keep each other afloat. Now it feels like a constant uphill struggle, for everyone, everywhere. I don't know why. It felt very good to read that tonight. Thank you, Kyra.
Comments: 2 (read) (post)
(Mon, 21 Jan 2008)
Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008 13:53
I have been raving a lot to anyone who will listen about Monsters of Grace lately. I just put mp3s up here if anyone is interested. I think my favorites are tracks 7 and 1, if you just feel like getting a taste of it.
The lyrics are here. They are taken from Rumi's poetry.
Comments: 5 (read) (post)
(Tue, 20 Mar 2007)
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2007 12:36
"Morgensheutegesternwelt" is a word from Robert Anton Wilson meaning "tomorrow-today-yesterday-world", a state of existence where time bends and blurs together.
If you google for that word, at the bottom of the results, you get:
In order to show you the most relevant results, we have omitted some entries very similar to the 23 already displayed. If you like, you can repeat the search with the omitted results included.
I am sort of stunned, amused, and not really surprised, all at the same time. :-)
Comments: 2 (read) (post)
(Mon, 26 Feb 2007)
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2007 14:19
My dentists are getting more and more explicit. ( cut for mild babyfur content )
(Mon, 15 Jan 2007)
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 12:41
( Here's something that's confusing the heck out of me. )
(Sun, 14 Jan 2007)
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2007 20:08
( I'm not feeling at home in my skin. I'm hoping that trying to write things down will help. )
(Thu, 19 Oct 2006)
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 4:48
Last year I decided I wanted a bed. This was a big change for me; the reason I'd been sleeping on a mattress on the floor was that I felt like it was more canine/lupine. Being close to the floor, close to the ground, simple, curled up; nothing more was necessary. Beds, to me, symbolized people's exclusion of their animal natures from one of the most personal and vulnerable parts of their lives; the image of an uptight human wearing pajamas easing himself into his bed (with mahogany headboard) and thinking about how civilized such things are.
But for various reasons I decided to go for it. I went to every furniture store I could find, and I went to Ikea, and I went to stores that specialized in beds, and I could not find a simple, rough, wood frame that didn't rely for its construction on cheap sheet metal, glue, or veneers.
So I built one. It's made entirely of redwood, and it's all 2x4s and 4x4s. It definitely does not look like a professional woodworker made it, but that's not my style anyway. I like the sturdy, unvarnished 2x4 look, more than anything I could have bought ready-made. You can look at a picture here (with mattress here). I built it around Christmas last year, so it's been in use for close to a year now, and it's been wonderful.
One of the things I did is document the process. This is partly for my own benefit, so that in the future if any part of it breaks, I will know the exact measurements for what to replace it with and where to drill the holes. But also partly so that if anyone else wants to build a bed with their own hands, they have some plans to draw from. Think of this as an "open source bed" that you can modify and compile yourself. Anyone can do this; I'm the klutziest person with tools imaginable, and I managed okay. The most complicated tool needed is a miter box.
Instructions on building the bed are here. (There are two more pictures of the early stages of assembly here and here in case they help in answering the "what bit goes where" questions)
Comments: 6 (read) (post)
(Mon, 16 Oct 2006)
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 5:54
Grout fills the space between adjacent tiles. Caulk fills the space between tiles and things-which-are-not-tiles. Solder fills the space between electrical contacts. Pizza fills the space inside bellies. Grout, caulk, solder, pizza. Grout, caulk, solder, pizza.
Comments: 2 (read) (post)
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 1:19
On my way to the coffee shop this morning, I passed a father, two kids, and a dog on the sidewalk. The father was telling the kids to hurry up, and the boy (maybe about 7) was yanking the dog around. It reminded me of this drawing by Donald Rooum of the relationship between bosses and bossed, going all the way down from the king to an unfortunate house cat.
The girl (about 9) was the only one who had any sense, and she was admonishing the boy in scandalized tones "Let him be free! He only wants to smell things!" The boy mumbled something that I didn't hear, and the girl said in exasperation "Yes, that *IS* how you treat him!"
Leaving aside the boy (he has that girl as a sister; he'll learn, eventually), the girl gave me hope for the next generation of humanity.
Comments: (post)
(Mon, 09 Oct 2006)
Date: Mon, 09 Oct 2006 2:23
I want life to feel steady and calm, with a powerful undercurrent of clear vision, animalistic intuition, and do-whatever-it-takes altruism. It's a sober feeling, but lightened by the feelings of dew and moss and paws and familiar smells. It begins with quietness -- it can't be found by taking human-style life and adding the animal feelings to it, it needs to be approached by stripping stuff away that, when looked at with a critical eye, really isn't necessary.
One cannot be serious all the time, but one can be serious *about* being playful, so that one's goal remains always for everything to be at peace and feel good. Every touch, every hug, everything done in play is done compassionately and is the completion of a right action.
Life hasn't been feeling like that -- it's been feeling ugly, and plastic, and an-eye-for-an-eye. This is my fault. I need to work on it. It's become very very hard to work on it, though. It used to be that when I did something good, I could feel good about it, and that made it easier to do the next good thing. These days when I do something good I just feel a slumping "gahhhh." feeling afterwards. I've lost the suspension-of-disbelief that lets me turn the good stuff into a positive feedback loop. I don't know what the answer to that is.
Me: Can I have a friend?
Coyote: Nope. -- Have a babyfur.
Me: Erf.
(time passes)
Me: Can I have a friend now?
Coyote: Nnnope. You should really try the babyfurs. They're delicious.
Me: *rrrgh*
I am a babyfur, to the very core of my being. I am also furry, with equal intensity. I don't, however, seem to be able to find those steady, calm, compassionate feelings in either the babyfur or the furry community. I don't know if that's because of them, or because of me. One of the insights I had while driving, about tailgaters, is that they're just as proud of their tailgate-y driving style as I am of my laid-back driving style. To them, it *is* beautiful. And that's really, when you think about it, just as valid as me thinking my way is beautiful.
I tried to apply that logic to my feelings about roleplayers, and I got the following: The people who have created "characters" are not, as it might look on the surface, digging themselves further away from their real selves. They are self-aware enough so that they *know* where that place in their brain is that says "yes, this is good, this is getting closer to being where i'm supposed to be", and they do what they do because they quite simply have figured out that while they are trying to be this character, that part of their brain tends to light up. Naturally, they follow the positive stimulus and continue the behavior. It's a *good* thing that they've figured out how to pay attention to that part of their brain, they just haven't figured out how to take the next step, and hook their real animal self directly up to their words and actions. For that matter, neither have I, really. It's an asymptotic process, and I will never be "finished".
Is all this moral relativism good? Bad? Is Coyote trying to get me so tangled up, painted so much into my relativistic corner, that I eventually snap and show my teeth and recant everything I've said in the past few paragraphs in one enraged heave?
One thing I do know is that all of this crap, whether it's to do with tailgating or roleplaying, is really unfortunate. It amounts to nothing more than shouting "You fuckers! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Do it my way!" and them shouting back the same thing, and neither side accomplishing anything except more and more strife. To me, that underscores the need to turn the other cheek, in an incredibly poignant way. But it's HARD. It's very, very hard to muster the will to turn the other cheek when I'm numb and confused with loneliness and all the other kinds of hurting. And even if I do it once, on one particular day, it's just as much of a struggle (and I'm just as likely to fail) the next time.
Comments: 2 (read) (post)
(Wed, 04 Oct 2006)
Date: Wed, 04 Oct 2006 18:23
Oakland Opera Theater is putting on a production of Philip Glass' "Les Enfants Terribles", October 6 through 22. The web site is here.
I've never seen the Cocteau film it's based on, but I am prepared to love it no matter what, because it's Philip Glass. I did see their productions of La Belle Et La Bete, and Akhnaten, and enjoyed both.
Comments: 1 (read) (post)
(Sat, 30 Sep 2006)
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2006 22:22
The salad I just made was unspeakably good. I felt like sharing it. My salads keep evolving; this time I skipped the bell pepper and substituted plain butter lettuce instead of the mixed greens, and it was truly awesome.
1/2 head lettuce
1/4 red onion
1/2 cup walnuts
1 avocado, diced
1 tomato, diced
3 mushrooms, sliced
a sprinkle (less than 1/4 cup each, maybe a couple of tablespoons, or just use your judgment) of:
- edamame
- chickpeas
- dried cranberries
I used fairly standard pre-packaged salad dressing (annies naturals brand, "red wine and olive oil vinaigrette") and had it with roasted garlic french bread (the kind with the cloves of garlic baked in). And John Gorka's "Temporary Road" album playing.
John Gorka is incredible. He goes well with home-made salad. It's kind of a home-grown good-feeling "life can be a good place, you just have to keep calm and work at it a bit" vibe. Some of my favorite tracks from Temporary Road are the title track, Temporary Road, The Gypsy Life, and I Don't Feel Like A Train.
He's playing at Freight And Salvage in Berkeley, in November. I'm going.
Comments: 1 (read) (post)
(Thu, 14 Apr 2005)
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 13:19
Google maps stuff: I actually am more interested by the ability to input lat/long than I am in the ability to enter a street address. I took a few waypoints last year on the solo road trip to Colorado. This is the area near St Mary's Glacier... it doesn't let you zoom in enough to see the exact meadow that I loved so much, though. And this, as far as I know, is the Meteor Crater rest stop on eastbound 40 in Arizona. The waypoint in my GPS was off to the right somewhere -- I think the coordinate systems may be different. I liked it there, even if it was just a rest stop.
Comments: 5 (read) (post)
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