Tamino (tamino) wrote,

I've been having kind of a rough night. I got a bit of sleep, but woke up and have been feeling really, deeply alone.

Part of it is that I got my performance review at work a week ago, and the two pieces of feedback I was given were: (1) I talk too much in meetings, often without a clear point that I'm driving towards, and (2) I shouldn't need as much handholding from management when decisions have to get made. Which basically boils down to: "Suck it up and deal". But that's exactly what I have a really hard time doing, given the projects I've been being assigned for the past year, none of which have been clear-cut. It's *all* been ambiguous, and the message I'm getting is: Yes the stuff you're working on is ambiguous, I don't care, suck it up and deal. Which I'm trying to do. But it's demoralizing, and humiliating, and hard. And I also feel a bit like I'm being set up to fail, also. Talking, sharing the ambiguousness, trying to reach consensus, is one of the only tools I have for being sure that I'm on the right track. If I lose that, I wonder if I'm going to turn into someone like (name of coworker), who *never* seeks consensus, *always* goes off and does his own thing, and it's *always* the wrong thing. I don't want to be like that.

Another part is -- I am really, deeply at odds, culturally, with everyone I see around me. When I was first coming into the furry community, it felt like a bunch of people who had all shared the experience of growing up broken and "different", and who had decided to accept that, and pull together, and invent a new way of living based on animal feelings, and turn tragedy into triumph together. And now everyone I see is hip, trendy, and completely "normal". I don't fit in, anywhere!

I was musing today at work about Pink Floyd. For me and the people I grew up with, "The Wall" was a signpost of sorts. We were all broken, and we all knew far too much about walls, and bricks in said walls, and maybe there were no *answers* per se in The Wall, but it gave us a framework of sorts to understand ourselves in.

Nobody I know these days even listens to Pink Floyd. It's dropped out of the furry consciousness. Maybe there are other things these days that have replaced it. I don't know. But it sure seems to me like "the family of all the weird animal-people" is no longer the dominant cultural force in furry anymore.

I've felt for years and years that the SF bay area furry community lacks something essential in terms of compassion and brotherhood. And the way I've justified *staying* here to myself is, well, somebody's gotta stay here and stand up for all of this stuff that I believe in. I've felt like as long as I'm here, holding up a candle of what I believe in, then there's at least that one candle here for anyone else here who doesn't fit in and who needs that light, as small as it may be.

But now I'm wondering -- *does* anyone around here need that light? And how can I survive, myself, when I'm this much at odds with everyone else around me, culturally?

Why can't anyone else *see* the wall? Why aren't walls and bricks something that people care deeply about, and try with all their might to smash, in themselves and in others? Why is everyone just sitting around playing the popufur game on Twitter and playing video games?
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